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So what can I say?I’m a little proud of myself. Last night at the dinner, I intentionally set with my back to the rest of the diners when I could have set with my back to a wall. I stood there for several moments and made a conscious choice to trust. I didn’t know about half the people there. To most of you that is no big thing. I get that. To someone who has spent their life paranoid with decent reasons for their paranoia it’s a little bit of something. Will I make a habit of it? I don’t know. It’ll be a case by case basis. I did it that time though.What are my plans for the new year? Damned if I know. I’m going to relearn to meditate. Work on being more present when I’m with people. Spend time with a shrink if I can afford it. Find out what Darian is really like. See, in August of 2017, I became a new person. My neurological structure changed. Yet, almost the entire time since then I have been in pain. It’s only the last few weeks that I’ve had any idea what it’s like as this new. Eventually, I gave her all I had deep in her cavernous vag.I hung around for another half hour watching others being generous, sometimes two at a time.I had nothing more to give when I left.For the rest of that year, I was working at the museum and doing research in the field. I didn't get back to Vegas until February of the next year The weather was milder and the crowds were lighter.On this trip, I watched a woman twice my age playing the dollar slots without the results she came for. The bandit was stingy and wasn't paying out. I had to admire her persistence. She had the patience of a saint and little to show for it. I don't play the slots. The odds are worse than tossing a ping pong ball in a jar at a carnival. And I miss pulling the lever, not buttons. Now they're too much like video games.I waited until she moved over to sat down at the next machine. I knew better than believing the machine she left was overdue and that the odds favored me now that it's been uncharitable for.
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