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An' before this, I swear, I never realized how often we slap ass on the field. One more guy pops me with a 'good play' an' I'm droppin' him. Or I'm gonna blow my wad. I can't tell anymore.I can't figure a lot of things. While I'm one the field, I can keep my mind on the game. But as soon as I hit the sideline, I'm lost. Is this still a guilt thing or I'm I just one of those demented assholes who can only get off if someone gets hurt? Is it anyone or did I hurt Lisa because I'm really inta guys? Am I a fuckin' fag or is it worse - am I inta gettin' fucked by Peter? I don't like any of these ideas.When Coach Dutton blows the whistle, I stall by asking the defensive coach to help me with my stance. I don't know what my backside looks like today but I got a feelin' that I don't want the locker room findin' out before I do.Coach Hodges only has a couple of pointers so, it doesn't take as long as I like. I do see Faroud practicing his kicking which gives me what is probably a bad idea but. I don't preen or pose, though ... Too artificial pretending to be anything else to enjoy myself, is the way I look at it. I know I'm not Brad Pitt, but I'm not Lyle Lovett, either ... and besides, Lyle did all right, didn't he, at least for awhile.But I was angry, after I stopped beating myself up. How could she dare to destroy the promise of what we had shared? The bitch! Instead of holding hands and looking out at friends and family at our 50th anniversary, I found myself trying to decide if I could trust anyone enough to risk trying to love again. And for me sex had always been associated with love.I ate at home, which meant I learned how to cook. I exercised, since I wasn't dating, which meant I actually got into shape ... better shape then I had ever been before; better shape than most of the hard bodies that seem to be everywhere on the Coast. I worked hard, saved money, decided what was important to me ... who I am, if you will.I think mostly Tawny and Connie were intrigued by.
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