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His name would be Edward, and he would love me more than anyone else in the whole wide world. Now, a childhood and the first shaking steps of adulthood later, aged 18, I lay awake at four in the morning, feeling the warmth of your smooth ochre skin and silk thread hair, streaked lightly with grey. It’s dark and the light from the balcony illuminates you in a weary monochrome, sending shadows streaming from the branches outside onto your sleeping face. I had never known it possible for a man to be so beautiful, so unutterably perfect that my chest swells to bursting knowing that I love you. I lean closer, allowing my hand to trace the cool line of your brow. You don’t stir, your lids heavy with the exhaustion of making love to me. Every muscle in my body wants to pull you to me and wrap you in my arms so closely you wake to my touch, but I dare not rouse you so late at night. I feel tears in my eyes at the thought of you. What had I done to deserve a man who loves me so much? Who. “what”? She said“don’t you get bored, doing it every day? It’s very monotonous. You should try different things” I said looking at her intently.“yeah? Like what?” she said smiling.“I put out the cigarette, grabbed her hand and pulled her towards me. I kissed her. Fiercely. She didn’t see it coming and was shocked. Her eyes wide open. She tried to wriggle free. But I had held her tight against my chest. I invaded her mouth. My one hand on her waist and another one on the back of her neck pulling her mouth towards mine. She finally pushed me back with all her might. I let her go.“what are you doing”? She said angrily. Then slapped me across the face. Her eyes were blazing red. So were her cheeks. I stared at her shamelessly, my face hard as a stone. I was scared shitless, but I didn’t want to apologize.“I want to fuck you,” I said.She slapped me again. Harder this time. Okay, I might have been wrong about she giving me cues and flirting with me, I thought. But then again what the fuck.
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