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They were rejecting my version of 'the boyfriend'.I was slowly realizing, that playing the boyfriend was a dead end, had always been a dead end, and if I ever wanted something like long-term happiness I'd have to be honest with them and myself. I'd have to learn how to be myself, which was a weird thought. I wonder if I could practice somehow. Maybe go out to bars and see what it felt like to 'be myself', I guess.Ugh.Not long after I found out about masturbation, and then the internet, I discovered stories describing BDSM relationships, and it resonated somewhere deep inside of me. I wanted to be a dominant. I wanted control. But that inequality was so alien to how I was raised that I felt tremendous guilt about it and never told a soul about my desires. The guilt, however great, never stopped me from fantasizing. If I was going to turn over a new leaf, and try to be open and truly honest with my potential partners, I needed to acknowledge this part of me. Let it out, and learn how. I didn't know for sure if he was watching me or not, but I assumed he was, and with that assumption I soaped up my fingers (Cetaphil is actually a really mild soap ;)), spread my ass cheeks apart, and started to slowly finger fuck myself. Just the thought of the possibility that he might be watching was driving me crazy. I was grinding against my hand, slipping in one, two, then three fingers and moaning softly like a girl. The warm water flowing down my body and the slippery soap covering me made for an incredible sensation. I was tingling all over. As I stood in the shower, eyes closed fucking myself and imagining that my fingers were this muscle hunk's thick cock, I got the biggest surprise of my life. I remember moaning to myself, "ooooh yes, daddy!" And as soon as those words left my mouth I heard the unmistakable sound of my shower curtain being quickly and almost violently whipped open. Startled, I yanked my hand out of my ass and turned to face the curtain, and that's when I.
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