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I did not know why I was not conceiving, so I did not have any explanation to offer. One day, an elderly lady in the neighbourhood suggested that we consult a good doctor. I told Pankaj about it and he readily agreed to the suggestion. The very next day he got an appointment with a gynecologist for the evening; she checked me and then asked him to send his semen sample for examination. We came back home and angrily criticized the doctor saying that he knew his semen was potent enough to produce children, it was just a chance that conception is not there. I did not argue because I knew his nature, he would feel humiliated if test reports showed lower sperm count in his semen.Pankaj loved my blowjob technique and he liked my active participation in sex, but not my wildness or my fancy for different and new posture, which at times did sound weird. I wanted to fuck in the kitchen, in the garage, in our balconies and even places where others could easily see us. He would agree to only two. That's because everything small memory you've over analyzed hits you across the face over and over. You're constantly hating yourself because this one person was so important to you and now she's gone. “I should've done..” “Why was I so..” “No wonder she doesn't..” Those thoughts are toxic and seizes up your body.When you're in love with someone who doesn't love you back, you get so ******* close to hating them. You hate that they've ripped you open, eaten you up and have left you to decay. You hate that they have let you hate yourself more than you could ever hate them. You hate them because of the things they gave you which weren't all good. And the things they stole. Like crying on their shoulders which they gave, but your pride they took.When you're in love with someone for the first time and they don't love you back, you never want to fall in love again. You never want attachments with anyone because of this substantial pain that is constantly there. You never want to kiss with.
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