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I wished I could tell her I’d been through this birth stuff before and it was painful and lonely. My baby had been born on December 29 and I was alone. Jesse got a huge bonus for staying in the oil fields during the holiday. My mother dropped me off at the hospital when I went into labor and didn’t come back. Jesse’s mother showed up in time to fill out the birth certificate and name my baby while I was still in recovery. They brought Willa to me three times a day so I could give her a bottle and bond, and then they took her back to the nursery so I could regain my strength. After three days, they handed her to me and rolled me out the front door where my mother met me to take me back home.I wept for days. I didn’t make a conscious decision not to breast feed. They just handed me bottles with formula in them when they brought her to me. I was completely unprepared for having a child or a husband or in-laws.This time, my daughter would be mine.I read every pamphlet the La Leche League. "Girls home?" They sounded drunk. "Ya, fine" "Home around 3. Watch a movie." Close. "Prisoner you're going to jail!" "You need a shower!" "You smell like shit!" Betsey holds her finger under my nose and I smell my own rectum. I'm not into that but considering the way it got there I felt a twinge in my belly that shot to my groin. They pulled me into a downstairs bathroom and pushed me into the shower. "We should have taken his shirt off." "Prisoner, get on your knees" I kneel on the tile, Betsey unlocks the cuffs and pulls my hand up. I don't dream of resisting. They remove my shirt and Betsey stands behind me, pushes her groin into the back of my head and giggles, once again girlish, then pulls my hand down, clicks the handcuffs behind my back. "Stand up!" They push me into the shower and Betsey grabs the flexible shower head. Sam turns on the COLD water. Shock and shiver and get soaped, groped, pinched and examined. Done, the water off, they walk me down the hall to the rec.
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