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There was no warm up. Just like dad did, it was full force from the beginning. The first took my breath away. I was shocked at how hard a man could hit. (I had played with a Domina before, and although she could bring the most intense, exquisite pain, with any instrument, the brute force was nothing like a man’s nor was the embarrassment at the same level.) I counted “one” as ordered, and the next followed immediately. Again, the shock and pain radiated from my naked bottom to the top of my head and tips of my bare toes. A familiar pain, a familiar humiliation and awareness of not being in control of my own body, my own reactions. Yelps, cries, and grunts from the pain at each impact naturally came out. The tensing of my butt cheeks, the slight dance I did involuntarily, the flexing of my fingers and toes, the uncontrollable reaction of my body under his gaze, and under his control. He was making me do things that I had not done since I was young, and he was watching and hearing me. And, as is drilled home repeatedly during the approvalprocess, this is completely a one-way street. Once the operation has beencompleted, there is no going back, ever. On the other hand, if I were toback out, if I were to call and cancel, I would never, NEVER, get thisopportunity again. They wouldn't even look at me. They'd say, "Sorry, wedon't waste our time on people who aren't completely sure. We alreadyhave enough patients on our waiting list who are sure. So... take a hike."All true. Nonetheless, I realized that this is perhaps the most majorall-or-nothing decision I've ever made in my life, and suddenly, I foundmyself questioning literally every decision I've made about my genderjourney. Even to the point of questioning whether they were in factdecisions at all, or whether I'd simply allowed myself to be carriedalong by some kind of thoughtless momentum, one step leading inevitablyto the next, and to the next, without stopping to consider their validityor rightness. It was a.
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