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I remember shouting, "Look out!"I remember diving and shoving the boy out of the way.I remember the screech of the brakes of the delivery truck.I remember hearing a woman scream.I remember a sudden, blinding flash of pain, then nothing.I woke up to the sound of my alarm, only it wasn't my alarm: it was someCardi B song. Confused and groggy, I went to pick up my phone. My handclosed around it and I brought it in front of my face, which was stillon the pillow. It was 7am, same as always, but that wasn't my phone, itwas a rose gold iPhone 6S.I blinked, and noticed that the hand holding the phone wasn't my handeither. The fingers were longer and slimmer, and the fingernails wereneatly trimmed and extended just past the fingertips. At that point, Ialso noticed something dark in front of my eyes. I shook my head gentlyand realized it was hair. Long, black hair.I bolted upright. WHAT. THE. FUCK?As I sat up, I noticed several other things. First, I wasn't in myapartment. Instead of my small. It wasn’t, I noted, while reading this book, the scenes where Severin was being whipped that aroused me; in fact I found them rather boring. Instead it was the dialog, as formulaic and no less powerful as a ritual incantation, in which his Mistress coldly demeans him, mercilessly flaunts her affair with another man in his face. And, indeed, this is what Severin wants most, to be humiliated, not only physically, but, in particular, mentally. He wants his face rubbed in it. He wants to be dehumanized. He wants to be ground into the dirt, returned to the clay that he is.Perhaps mother was cold and distant and these traits, overlaid upon the universe and what I feel I can ultimately expect from it (nothing), became associated in some perverse way with ?love.? Perhaps the chronic craving after this always unattainable love-object is the genesis of the sexual desire I feel when it is symbolically re-enacted during these sessions: helpless, unable to move or to speak, seemingly forgotten,.
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