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I did the exercises and took the vitamins the doctor recommended. At first, I spent most of the my evenings at home. I didn't bother with TV, finding that I enjoyed listening to the radio and reading. Since I was being careful with money, that led me to the local library. The first night I walked in on a literary discussion group, and there went my Thursday nights from then on.As difficult as it was, I made arrangements with the adoption agency that my doctor gently steered me to when I finally broached the subject with her. Maybe it was weakness, but I knew I wasn't able to bear the strain of being a single mother of a bi-racial child. I feared that I would be resentful, that I would heap my own failings and the collapse of my old life on an innocent child. Much better to find a home where that child could grow up in safety and love.I often thought about Ivan, at first anyway. I wondered how he was coping. Was he sad, was he upset at my leaving? Or did he regard my departure as. He'd arranged to pick me up from outside the crematorium, as I was paranoid of getting found out. Hell, I was worried about the very act I was about to commit, but I wanted it so bad after seeing his pictures. He obviously liked the thought of fucking my virgin arse too. I hid the bike in the bushes and waited in the car park. Soon enough, a car pulled in. It matched what he said he had and I walked over, my legs clumping hard and seemingly detached from my body. Butterflies? I had fucking bats. The drive over was uneventful, me grunting one word answers and not being able, or willing, to formulate, or garnish my responses with anything articulate. It was established that he liked to smoke hashish. When I entered his house, with the lights blazing, I was able to soak in what was about to take control of me, but first we smoked a joint. I was loose and woozy from the Hashish, slowly spinning in a delicious cloud that had lifted me up and away from my anxiety. He didn't talk, just.
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