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Occasionally, it was almost as if he could see an iron lock around the book, the word ‘Private’ stamped across the cover in letters of purple, like an old bruise that made him physically wince when he looked at her. He often wished, during these times, that he could simply lay open his heart and let her take what she needed until she would let him back in. Over the course of years, as he kept falling in love with her, the richness of her text nourished his heart until it often times swelled to near bursting. And sometimes, in response to a slight, imagined or real, his heart would harden towards her for a time, until he could open himself up again, reducing the callous-like exterior that he had formed to the size of a scar. And while after a time he had several of these scars of varying sizes, their occasional twinge of pain was as nothing compared to the thought that struck him at times – what if I lost her? It was a simple thought really, but the enormity that lay behind it. "Turn around," he says. i turn around and stand in the corner, head bowed, nude but for my collar and wrist cuffs, hands behind me, Him silently sitting there behind me a few feet away. i suppose He is still looking at me. i can feel him breathing. my breath is ragged and the tears start afresh, though i am trying hard not to cry. i wish i had a tissue to wipe my nose. For a few minutes i can't think at all. i have no idea why i couldn't bring myself to meet him this afternoon. It seems now to have been such a stupid thing to do, not showing up and not calling Him. The worst part of what's happing now, though, is His disappointment, and the fact that He has not told me who the woman was or why He had canceled His plans with me to meet with her. For all i know He will release me when He is finished punishing me. Or maybe He hadn't decided yet to release me for her, but after my actions today, He's realized that i am not selfless enough to be owned by Him. or maybe he has decided to.
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