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That relentless whirlwind of nagging guilt, a hangover from my upbringing, is there to remind me that I need to stop and to continue. I have always submitted in life. To my parents. I relinquished the volition to rebel without any memory of doing so. It was consoling, the power they wielded, no matter how hard they were on me. I am that little girl you want to take in, the receptive little girl. In this fashion, I yearn to be a child again and yet, I hated every moment of my carefree childhood. I have, for a long time, relished my complexity as a human being. I am forever elusive, even to myself. Constant oscillation, and the whirlwind makes its appearance again. Who am I beneath this skin and these bones that seemingly link me to others around me? Who do they know resides there? It excites me to entertain these thoughts. But I am lost. Lost in a conscious way. Lost in an “I am not lost” way. I met my Master in the flesh this week. I grew more aware with the subjugation of every. From that day on, I wanted to suck cock.Jason is 6" long. He's twice my thickness, the size of normal dudes I see in videos. I am so embarrassed to be so much smaller than a 14 year old. He was scared shitless too when I first took him out, but he calmed down fast, and began enjoying it right away, his first blowjob.I never thought I'd let a guy do this to me, he said. I never thought a guy would ever ask me, or that I'd say yes, he said. This just totally blows my mind, he said.I was too embarrassed to talk and only nodded while I learned what I was doing. Watching a video is no preparation for actually putting one in your mouth. Jason got used to being sucked, long before I got used to sucking him.I worried about touching his balls. Also doing anything too queer, like kissing his head, or licking his shaft, or trying to deep-throat him. Not that I could. The few times I took him too deep told me that.He liked when I stroked him. It got him seriously agitated, more than when I.
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