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I was more nervous about asking her out than I was about the brown belt test. I rehearsed it over and over in my mind. I considered all of the possible responses she may have to my advances and their outcomes. It took months to work my courage up, my earlier conquests were young ladies who sent me the “Vibe” that they wanted me, I never felt that “Vibe” from Janet. I looked back at myself in the dojo’s bathroom mirror and said, “Fuck it!” and made my move. And when she responded with that word I love so much, “Yes”, I felt like I could fly off the earth. It was dark, and early summer, we parked by this little pond in a public park. Both of us still in our gi pants and wearing T-shirts, Janet filled hers out very nicely. It was an Arrowsmith shirt, she loved the band and we talked about music for a time, then I confessed my feelings. I told her I was very attracted to her and wanted to date/go out with her. She looked up at the sky through the windshield then out of her passenger door. My class ring appeared in my locker one day, returned by Melissa, who had not spoken a single word to me since our long distance phone call. I heard through the grapevine that her friends were setting her up with blind dates, trying to get her out of her depression, but not many boys from our school wanted to get involved in this bloody mess of ours.Micki was not my girlfriend, despite her efforts to convince me otherwise. I didn't call her in the evenings to talk, I didn't spend a lot of time with her at school, I didn't hold her hand at lunch, I didn't look for her on the sidelines during our games. She was a receptacle for me, a cum receptacle. She did the work for me so I didn't have to use my hand to jack off. Every Friday night, every Saturday night, and one time on a Sunday afternoon, we managed to meet somewhere to jump each other's bones. I ate her out, she gave me head, I fucked her or she fucked me. But there was no feeling of affection there, no inclinations of romantic.
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