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After several sessions it became apparent that I had bottled up all of my emotions– good or bad– and had to learn how to release them. We did trust-building, safe-zone creation, safe body touching, and all sorts of other approaches that are supposed to help someone open up, but nothing worked. I even– on doctor’s orders– binge watched a whole weekend full of sad, sappy movies hoping that something would get me to cry.“If only you could break through and cry,” he told me, “I think you would make great progress.”Sheila joined me for that chick-flick marathon. We had our own private sleep over in the apartment above her parent’s garage. I think Sheila went through three boxes of Kleenex, but by Sunday afternoon, I still hadn’t shed a tear.We were lying on the bed as another movie ended when Sheila turned off the TV and sat up facing me. “When was the last time that you actually cried?” she asked. “Maybe you have never cried.”“No,” I replied. “I used to cry... a long time ago. The last. .. Even if that's not the way she's been treating herself.The only way -- I knew -- that the third option would make even a particle of sense would be if somehow Juniper regarded me as something more than just the most recent left fielder she'd slept with.It was hard for me to see myself as "special." What's so special, after all, about being a college drop-out, fringe ballplayer with only a so-so past personal record with The Other Sex -- not to mention with "relationships" in general?I'd always prided myself in being something of a realist. It's not that I went around putting myself down, but I wasn't sporting an inflated self-image, either. I was just this guy, you know? Regular, standard-issue guy. Nothing special.I was dumb, though. Because flying back to Baltimore at dusk on Sunday, I pretty much committed myself to Option Three.Don Quixote had nothing on me.And I was going to have to go it alone. I didn't even have a Sancho Panza.I didn't waste any time. When we landed at BWI.
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