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....What a fucked up life this is I thought.I had taken my laptop to the states and on it I had photographs of Amanda and I in happier times, some nights my heart would feel heavy at the loss, but I never let it show in my few emails to Amanda, I had been in the states about 5 months when I received a email from Susan saying how worried she was about Amanda it seemed she had lost a lot of weight and was in trouble keeping on top of her job so much so that she had been forced to take some leave to sort herself out. Susan begged me to be kinder to Amanda and ended her email by adding that she really believed that Amanda thought what she was doing was for both our benefits and begged me to call Amanda for a chat if I still cared about her to help her through her depression.That evening I sat down and composed a long email in which I explained all my feelings, the betrayal, the sickness in my stomach and how I hated her and myself for letting it happen, I reminded her how I had accepted. I found myself writhing again on the satin sheets,unable to control the feelings created by those tiny lumps of flesh, sosoon after quite a different lump of his flesh had created even strongerfeelings in me. When he kissed me, I kissed him back. I was in love withhim, and deeply ashamed of myself for being so."That answers my last question, Lisa. You?re a girl, except for yourlittle Twinkie, which will never go stale. You?re even better than areal girl. So cute."He hopped out of bed and dressed himself from head to toe in about thetime it would take me to straighten my stocking seams."I?ve seen what I needed to see, Lisa. I?ll be going now. I?m havingdinner with Ms. N tonight. She?ll be back later. You go clean yourselfup, get dressed and get back to your chores." He paused. "You were agood, obedient girl today, Twinkie. I will give Ms. N a favorablereport. You can go back to your chores now."It was early, but I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I draggedmyself to my room.
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