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I was still nursing the wound that Glen had inflicted on me, a wound that would not heal. In all this, and as I looked out from my bastion with suspicion, trusting no one, I was not only a loner, but also lonely. There is a difference between being a loner and being lonely. Some people seem to be made to be loners, just as people like nuns and priests seem to be made for celibacy. They have become what they essentially are, but others have become what they are by force of external circumstances. I was lonely, and yet I feared intimate contact, and my fear had made me aggressive. I am not sure that a real mouse is inclined to turn on those who might hurt it, but the mouse that was me had. We often decide that the pattern of our life is set and nothing is likely to happen that will change its course. When something does happen it comes as a surprise, my meeting and marriage to Glen had been like that. The truth is, none of us really knows what is lurking round the next corner. Using. ..? I knew I was fidgeting and I felt my face heat. Change tactics, Em. Go on offense. I drained what was left of my drink and met his eyes. ?Did you like them?? ?Yeah,? he said easily. ?You’re a great writer.?He signaled for the check.Wait—we were done talking about this? I had about a dozen questions. Did he look up my kinky online profile right after we hooked up? Or not until recently—after he planned to see me again? Or was that why he wanted to see me again? Did this change anything??You want to walk back??I realized I’d been spaced out, frowning in thought, and Samir was holding my coat for me. He put his arm around me as we walked back to my apartment, perfectly sweetly. But something was different. Before, I’d felt like I was seducing him, and other than the period of time where he was actively fucking me, I’d controlled the pace and the nature of everything we’d done together. That’s how it normally was with the middle-class, educated men I was used to dating. Now, I felt.
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