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Perhaps it is because that boy/man had not been invited to love with me, because the physical pleasure I found from him is always blurred by the insult of his unwanted assault. The television crime shows like to talk of sex, of the fact that a woman being raped can actually have an orgasm, and it is true. I shall forever feel the mixture of pleasure and disgust. Miro, my darling, I want you so much, but please be gentle with me.I laugh to myself. You do not even know what joy I plan to offer you this evening. Well, my beloved, I expect that you shall be pleasantly surprised. I shall dress primly; I think you will enjoy removing my undergarments even more than you would enjoy finding me naked under my clothing. I shall wear just a hint of that toilet water you gave me; perhaps one day we shall be able to afford the real perfume. The restaurant I have chosen is not expensive, but it does have tablecloths and candlelight; those flickering flames should help draw the blood from your body. John was tall, slim and very blonde (I was tall, slim and very dark haired)- secretly I lusted after him, which I didn't think he was aware of. He was actually the only guy who I was attracted to at that time.We were on the home leg of our walk, on a lovely summer late afternoon, walking along the old disused railway line. Glancing into the bushes at the side of the line we could see lots of pages of a magazine or more. "I hope it's porn" exclaimed John, taking me a little by surprise. Bear in mind this was very much in pre-internet days, when you had to find your wanking material when and where you could! You had to be imaginative at times.Reaching under a bush I grabbed a double page- it was porn! An old girly mag of the time- a Mayfair if I remember rightly. We quickly gathered up all the pages we could find, and went off the railway line into the bushes to examine and assemble our find as best we could.We soon had most of the magazine in some sort of order, divided it between us.
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