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Was, nor where it was, but I kept it in the back of my head. I then began to look at message ads in the area, and this is when I found the holy grail. Upon curiosity I clicked on the "escorts" link and what I came to I could not believe I had not know about for all of these years. It was a complete menu of girls... Pics, "Services", Price and location (In/Out). I began to jack off imagining a girl showing up at my door, or opening the door when I go to see them, wearing sexy clothes and ready to fulfill all my dreams. Most of my "scenarios" in my head involved a mature woman teaching me everything she knew... A lot of the girls were kind of pricey, but this did not stop me from starting to save. When I had a reasonable amount saved up I looked at the ads and began to search through the ones in my price range that were along the lines of my fantasy.What I found was a mature blond who did outcalls for $150. I called her up and told her where I was and asked her to come by as soon as. Once I took a knife in my handand wished that I could cut "this perversion" out of me and literallykill the part of me that wanted to be a girl. If I had been sure that Icould stop the desire by cutting off a finger, I would undoubtedly havedone so. Looking back on my life now, I wonder how much energy andwillpower I spent trying to look and act "normal" and trying tosuppress a big part of my soul.*** Early adulthood, life struggle, the giftThe inner conflict of rejecting a part of my personality becameroutine. I tried hard to look manly and cool. If someone made jokesabout gays, I was the first to laugh. I even started dating girls. Itwas easy for me to get aroused when I touched their soft, delicate skinand beautiful long hair and felt their bodies react to my touch. Mylife as a "deepfake" became even deeper. But somewhere inside, Iunderstood that I could not go on like this forever. Death by overdosewas the most likely destination, and I felt terrified about my future.To save my.
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