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Sometimes it would start with a discreet offer of tea or coffee ('something hot'). Or the classic 'slipping into something loose' (yik!). But just as often, it was a brazen parting of the knees or an eager grasp at my crutch.I'd trained myself not to wince. After all, I was trying to be professional, even if they weren't. (I was working for the third biggest contractor in the country). To me, it was something that just went with the territory, and I'd learned how to refuse the offer without causing offence, letting them down as gently as I could, sometimes with a quick good-bye hug to make up. With a customer-base mainly in their seventies at the least, sexual involvement was the last thing I expected.But you can be too logical and rational about the sexual impulse.For one thing, Mrs. Hendry's living-room was full of pictures of her as a young actress - when she'd been drop-dead gorgeous. Also the voice. No croaking this time. Still honey-smooth and classy as you like. But it was. Yes, you love her. Now you can love her in her absence. Don't think about it, at least not right now. You'll only feel worse. As if that were possible.She had arrived home at 3 p.m. and at eight-twenty she looked at a clock and realized that she had no idea what had happened in the past five and a half hours. She was not hungry. She was numb. She looked at her face in the bathroom mirror and realized that she had been crying, apparently pretty heavily, but had little memory of it. Her throat, however, was sore from the tight sobs. Now she felt drained, giddy. Is it grief that makes you feel this way? she asked herself.Again she plotted and had to stop herself. What would she do if I just showed up there, on her doorstep? Like when she gets home from work? There I am. Would she be cruel? Send me away? Would she let me in? Would she listen to my apologies?Oh god, I hate myself. I want her to know how much I hate myself. Maybe I should call her and leave her another message, tell her.
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