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I read his message over and over looking for clues, incessantly wrestling with myself whether to trash or reply. I was Jesus in the wilderness; he, Satan whispering over my shoulder.Unable to sleep. I would rise in the night and slip away to read his message yet again. And then I would masturbate, imagining the men who might fuck my wife. When I was through, left full of self-loathing, I would sneak back into bed and lie on my side watching Lori sleeping, feeling guilty that she was unaware Marcus had contacted me. I speculated, imagined the implications of surrendering her to one of the wealthiest men in the world. His resources would be infinite. He could make almost any whim that might cross his mind a reality. We would be playing with the big boys and I didn't know if I measured up.Again, I recalled our first meeting. I had liked the bloke. In fact, I had liked him a lot. When I had watched him talking to Lori in the hotel bar, I had thought how under different circumstance we. She was still groggy, but restless. Shelooked around her and said "Hi, Mom. Have they told you anything newabout Aaron and Carli?" Mom, "No, Honey. I looked at them, and theylooked fine. They look so small. But I guess all newborns do."Erin, "Yes, they felt tiny to me when I held them. I think they willalways be smaller than Mary at the same age. Their father was not abig man." Mom, "Hmm, you never told me that before." Erin, "SorryMom. I guess I was trying to avoid remembering him." Mom, "So, howare you feeling." Erin, "I feel like I was run over by a Mac truck.But in some ways, I feel better than I have for a while. I'm morecomfortable laying here. But you know what I mean I'm sure." Mom,"Yes. I'd almost forgotten. But watching you the last few monthshave brought it back to me. It won't take long for you to put itbehind you." Erin, "Mom, I love you." Mom, "What brought that on?"Erin, "I realize how much you gave up to have your children, and Iappreciate it. I.
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