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Intellectually, I accepted thisas fact... but this truth had no material impact on me BECAUSE I WAS NOTATTRACTED TO HIM. I mean... at any other time, in any other place,maybe...I turned beet red as I realized that I was now in that other time and thatother place.I pounded the wheel with a fist to try to break myself out of whateverspell Mike had obviously cast on me. If I think about this rationally -or at least as rationally as someone who is trapped in a body of a girl inan alternate universe can be - this is simply a function of biology. Mybody simply responded to its physical, biological urges. Just like I wasable to tap into the depths of Ally's engrained physical ability, I wasjust inadvertently tapping into some of her other baser biologicalfunctions. Clearly my body was responding to Mike's pheromones,triggering this otherwise UNWANTED reaction on my body's behalf. That'sscience!Jen broke the silence by quipping, "So, I guess you're ARE a girl."I shot her an angry look. Then he kisses me, and I can name it.I'm in love with him.I want him to hold me, and kiss me, and do things I am not equipped forwith me ....Then I wake up, crying.I dont know what to do about this.I dont know who I can talk to.I know dreams aren't real, but it comes from somewhere, but where?And its not just the dream. Sometimes, I look at myself in the mirror, andI look .... wrong, somehow. I look and I half-expect to see the girl frommy dream looking back at me.And the fact she doesn't is a grief I cant even begin to describe ....I've got to pull myself together, shake this off somehow.I wish I had someone to talk to about this, but who?My dad is a man's man, he's counting on me to follow in his footsteps. Goto collage, be the Big Man on Campus, marry a girl just like mom, he'dnever understand.And Tammy's counting on being the girl in that picture, I can tell this inthe way she talks about our future. And yet the more time I spend withher, the more I envy her more than I desire.
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