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He knew that if he had to stop he would go crazy. He knew that becoming his mother every evening was the only thing that made him feel good about himself. It calmed his worries and brought him a sense of peace, fulfillment and contentment. Within several weeks of that first discovery, the school year ended and Mark was home alone all day. Previous years his dad had sent him to a parade of sleep away camps. This year, the entire summer stretched in front of him uninterrupted. The fact that he had his driver's license only made him feel more grown up and independent and with the money his Dad gave him to buy the household food and supplies Mark felt like he was free. The first morning he began to experiment with her old makeup, wondering if he could do his face the way she used to do to hers. He had read so much about how the experts did makeup (what a blessing that he hadn't started to shave yet) that it was a snap to transform himself into the spitting image of his mother when she. I thanked Betty and got a hug. I headed home with the strong desire to put on my pajamas and read about firemen. I tried knocking twice at Richard’s door that evening. He wasn’t home or, just as likely, he was not going to answer. I was feeling pretty badly about the way I acted. I had an excuse, but I knew Richard, and I should never have attacked him like I did. When I replayed the scene in my head, I convinced myself it was mostly my fault. I had barreled out of that restroom without looking. I estimated my culpability at around eighty percent. Before I headed to work the next morning, I tried Richard’s door again. No answer. Now I was feeling awful. Sometimes I hated being me. The guy was fragile and I was beginning to suspect he was avoiding his apartment in order to avoid me. I hated the word ‘bitch,’ but I was starting to think of myself as one. This was becoming one of those ‘shiver’ moments. Those times when certain memories send a sickening shiver through your body. I.
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