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The place smells even better and I sit on the couchto wait for you and decide to paint my fake nails as I have time. Thehouse phone rings an you ask how and what I am doing now- and do weneed anything - no baby, we only need you here.Soon I hear your key in the door and I spring up to the mirror with mybrush, lipstick and lipgloss. You see me and just stop, as your eyes gofrom floor to ceiling admiring me and you get a huge smile on your face,and tell me to spin around baby - I want to admire all of you. I feelso good as I blush and pivot on my toes. You step over grab me aroundmy waist and pull me in tight. I melt as this feels so where I want tobe, as you plant your lips on mine ........ Here you are Mr suit and tie,holding me . My mind goes blank as you hands slide down to my tush andyou squeeze. I look at your eyes as you burry your tongue in my mouth,and I think I have missed this so much. Despite what the world thinksabout gays, marriage and everything, at this time I. I returned to these pages so many times that my simple red journal falls open to the page when I open it. I continued the dream with the guard in the fantasy falling in love with me, sneaking me out, and raising a family with me. Then abruptly my journal entry switches to addressing God. I beg his forgiveness for my sinful thoughts.Lord, why do you torture me—I ask in the lord’s prayer ‘and deliver us not into temptation, deliver us from evil’ it says plainly. Why do I enjoy these dreams?In my little red journal I wrote a lot about sex, a lot about God, and very little about my real life. Real relationships seemed impossible.Everyone knew me as the prim and proper girl who liked learning. Even among the nerd boys, I seemed an off limits alien. At one point, I shared chemistry class with five of them from my core friends group. They made naughty jokes and seemed genuinely surprised that I wanted to be included. They lightly flirted with me; mostly finding excuses to touch me during.
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