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But after a fewmore days, the swelling and bruising wore off, and when I looked down, Isaw an unnaturally small little penis, more like a little boy's, no morethan an inch long, projecting above an empty, hairless scrotum. Mypanties immediately fit better, and I started wearing short shorts, whichStanley loved. With my testicles no longer "in the way," when we did itin the missionary position, Stan was able press up against all of me, andI could feel his stomach and his chest crushing against me as he thrusthimself into me. My whole sexual mentality was changing, too. Before,as a male, sexual pleasure was concentrated on my penis, but now, mybreasts became a major erogenous zone, and when Stanley stroked or suckedon them, I would feel an orgasmic shiver. The whole idea of sex hadchanged for me from an act of penetration to one of receiving, to beingpenetrated, to being a receptacle.I had almost forgotten what it was like to be a boy. After thecastration, my body must have. People now knew him. He had been exposed to the entire mosque, and certainly he would be followed, because people actually believed in the unfortunate spectacle. His paranoia grew with each unique snowflake.He knew he had enemies by default who would want him dead. He did not know whom to trust anymore. He could not even trust his own mother who had lied to him his entire life. A torrent of yesterdays flashed in his mind, especially the yesterdays of incarceration. He dismissed such thinking a while ago, blaming mental illness. Was it all true? Still no answer save a slight wind rattling the window, and the snow falling imperceptibly as though it shared his fear and utter desolation. The snow seemed to whisper that California was a dream indeed, that loneliness, a state of being he easily grasped, would unfold in added dimensions, that responsibility towards Allah would somehow govern and direct his days from now on, this same Allah against whom he had resoundingly rebelled. At the.
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