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However, this tradition was bypassed that evening.As I sat there and watched this beautiful creature change her tune about the movie she wanted to see, I started thinking that she must be full of guilt. It was as frightening as it was infuriating. The emotional impact on her caused by her new lifestyle was noticeable already. It was as if she pitied me, almost. Her T-shirt was working hard to keep her boobs from bursting out that evening. "Gangster rap made me do it," said the text across her boobs. It is one of her favorite T-shirts. She has had it for a while but wears it almost exclusively at home. "I think we should go and see your nerdy film," she said with her usual mock-condescending voice.I wanted her so much right now. I wanted to know what she was thinking at that given moment. I hated myself for my weakness. Why am I tolerating this? Why am I not the man who leaves her?“Sure, you could always see All About X when you are on a date with someone else,” I said and regretted. No, I just enjoy reading something occasionally that makes me think, and this is a religious piece that is not office doctrine, so it grabs my attention. She bit her lip in that adorable way she had looking down at the book in her hands. Youre scary smart arent you? Her voice trembled a bit as she said it, as if she were scared the answer might shatter her. Truth be told people had been telling me whole life that I was smart, but I didnt feel smart, I just felt like me. I didnt understand how they just didnt see things as simply as I did. Now it just made me feel awkward, and more like the freak I always thought I was. I slowly nodded my head, I guess Im pretty smart. Her gaze again fell to the pages of the book she held in her hands. Do you think Im dumb? It occurred to me then that she wasnt worried about me being a freak, she was worried that I might reject her, maybe I thought she wasnt good enough for me, and I was just using her. Considering I was rock hard in my jeans at that.
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