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You just couldn't resist, could you?" She said it with a smile."No, I couldn't. And I hope to be not resisting for a very long time." You're happy, aren't you?" That's rhetorical, isn't it?"She leaned back, looked at my face and nodded."You're happy."It's hard to keep happy off your face. I realized that because of the number of times I heard, "Randy, you look so happy. What's going on?" over the next few months.I worked up a standard answer. "Life is good. Business is good. I'm healthy. What's not to be happy about?"And, for the most part, it was true. Being happy also made me realize I had not been entirely happy; I had been portraying it. My performance was so convincing, it convinced me.I knew I had been happy except for the black cloud following me around. I just had not recognized the enormity of its dimensions.I spent time with Karen when I could. It was quality time; it wasn't rushed; it wasn't furtive. We talked. We laughed. And we created orgasms, just in case the baby. ‘I didn’t think I was good enough for her when we started seeing each other, this just confirms it.’ He was waiting again, letting me draw the poison from the wound. ‘Maybe on some level I always wanted her to find out, so she’d finish with me. She’s worth so much more than me.’ I got up and opened a window, I lit a cigarette and stuck my head out of the window to smoke it, ‘You know, you’re not allowed to smoke in here.’ ‘I’m not, I am quite clearly smoking outside.’ I said, the rain extinguished the cigarette, I tried to relight it and failed, I flicked it out the window and shut it again. ‘What am I going to do?’ ‘Move on?’ He suggested, I started pacing the office. ‘Not exactly the answer I was hoping for.’ ‘Does she know about the counselling? The medication?’ ‘Of course not.’ ‘Why not?’ ‘Because no one does.’ ‘Why?’ I threw myself down into the chair, ‘because it’s pathetic, it’s weak.’ ‘That’s how I rationalised it too.’ ‘You suffer from depression?’ ‘I did, four.
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