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Some of them werethoughts I never dreamed of having. Thoughts like taking Eric back tomy bedroom and showing him how much I appreciated all he'd done for me.Thoughts of showing him how much I'd miss him. Thoughts I would NEVERhave had as Jimmy, that's for sure! Yet, every time those thoughtswould make themselves known to me, they were overridden by the thoughtthat it wouldn't be right. It would be "gay" or something like that.Stupid thoughts, I know, but there they were. I hadn't crossed thethreshold between Jimmy and Holly yet and the battle between the twopeople was wearing me out.I WANTED Eric! I needed him, but I couldn't bring myself to take thatfinal step of actually HAVING him. So I was miserable all day long, andI guess I took some of that out on him because, like I said, we didn'tsay much to one another all day long. It was like we were avoiding oneanother. After lunch I went to my bedroom and laid down on the bed,just thinking or maybe trying NOT to think.Finally, around 6. Alone in Kirsten's apartment I left the offices at about 5:00, my head full of ideas and images of theday. I decided to walk back to Kirsten's apartment and picked up some foodfrom a corner store nearby. I was looking forward to a quiet evening on myown after the excitement of the first days of my new job. I put my feet upand ate Chinese-style ribs with stir-fried mixed vegetables in front of theTV. Fancying an early night I showered and slipped on the short satin nightieI had bought the day before. For a moment I thought of sleeping in Kirsten'sbed but chastised myself for taking advantage of my new friend's hospitality,my mind flitting back to my feelings of guilt when I opened her box of 'toys'.Instead, I climbed into my own sofabed and fell asleep immediately.I woke suddenly in the middle of the night and tried to orientate myself.I must have been dreaming and in the darkness I imagined I was back at schoolin the dormitory and I felt incredibly sexy. My head was full of images.
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