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She is tired of being sad, tired of not even minding that someone her age should grieve. And in the thin bony box of her head she understands, and accepts, the fact that her immense unhappiness is doomed to irrelevance anyway. Why worry? Why yearn toward a dream that is doomed to be unfulfilled? Because it would ease my regret. The woman can’t even express her inner turmoil to others, apart from holding onto a loud, scratchy moan. She does this, on occasion, to no effect. She feels a part of her wanting to go back to the things she used to like- the feel of a new toothbrush against her gums, for instance. Such a little thing that the nurses here overlook so often. She would like to polish a jar of canned tomatoes and set it on the top shelf with its mates. Lick an envelope, stick a stamp neatly in the corner, drop it in the mailbox. She’d like to clean her body out with a hoot of honest laughter. She’d like to sit on the toilet by herself. She can fantasize about her independence. It was mid-afternoon when I got a call on my cell from Justin, Caryn’s brother, just after having a lunch I didn’t want to eat in a diner in a nearby town.“Will.”“What the hell do you think you are doing? Caryn is crying her eyes out.”“Didn’t she show you the papers?”“Yes she did, but...”“Then you should know quite well what I’m doing, and why, Justin.”“But you must know that she loves you like nobody else.”“Interesting way of showing it. Look, the suggestion I gave should be very fair. All she needs to do is to sign the papers and accept.”“You should at least talk to her. Or let her talk to you.”“And exactly what good would that do?”“Please, Will, don’t you owe her at least that much?”I stayed silent for a moment. I was prepared to stay in the small apartment upstairs, since it was currently unoccupied. But the truth was that I probably needed to see Caryn at some point.“Okay, when?”“How about this evening at six?”“I’ll be there.”Then I just hung up. By that time, I had guessed from.
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