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" she said."Oh my God..." I said, putting my head down into my hands."During College, I grew out my hair and lived as a girl, but didn't haveany boyfriends. I was not particularly attractive as a woman then. Inthe years since, I've had a lot of surgery, which has made me into thewoman that I am," she continued.I looked up. She was smiling. "Tell me. Do you still have a crush onme?" I asked."Yes, I do. I'm sorry if you find this awkward," she said."Well, yes, It's rather awkward for me. You see, I'm not the stud youthink I am. You've gone to all these lengths to make yourself a woman,and it seems that, in reality, I like men. I switched teams in College,"I said.She smiled "I'm not 100% female yet. I haven't had the final 'snip' yet.So, I'm actually in-between. I could STOP here, if that would make adifference to you." You mean, you're still intact, down there?" I asked."Yes, still works, after a fashion, even with all the hormones and theremoval of both testicles," she said.I took her. Let it out, and learn how to engage it.Suddenly I realized what was so terrifying about being myself. I was petrified about letting the dominant part of me out. What if they thought I was sick. What if they laughed. Worst of all, what if I hurt somebody? Jesus. That would destroy me.But I was stuck on the horns of a dilemma. I couldn't go back to how I was, that way led nowhere, so I could only go forward, but I didn't know how to make a first step.I was contemplating that when Anna called. I hadn't realized it'd gotten so late. I hadn't eaten anything or moved from the table where Jenny sat down hours ago. Anna's suggestion of take out and movies sounded perfect. It'd been too long since we hung out, as she'd been spending a lot time with her boyfriend Robert, although, I think I heard something about them splitting up. If that was true I hope it hadn't been too bad, but then she usually called me if she needed anything. I recognized my passive stance again, and wondered how much of.
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