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.there have to be decent guys at this school,right? Somewhere?" Samantha said."I've got all the decent guys I need in my nightstand drawer," Wanda said."They never tell me I'm fat and they only eat batteries."The girls laughed again."Does this mean you're finally on-board with the ceremony?" June asked.Samantha held up a photo of her boyfriend. "Oh, you better believe it." Finally!" Wanda said. "Go get the spellbook, girl, and pick out yourpunishments." Okay, but this weekend we go looking for some decent boys. I'm tired ofrehabilitating the male population on campus one douchebag at a time."Samantha went for the spellbook while the other girls moved the coffeetable and rug out of the main room, revealing an intricate carving on thewooden floor of a pentagram inscribed in a ring with runes all along theouter edge. The carving looked as though it was almost as old as the flooritself, and a sheen of ancient wax stained the points of the star.Katrina arrived with five fat, white candles. They swungannoyingly when I adjusted the position of my head."And," my wife cautioned, "we'll be keeping an eye on you to make sureyou don't get out of character. I want you to act and talk like aperfect airhead." A real birdbrain," her friend seconded. "Vapid smiles and sillygiggles. The Darlene you've always secretly wanted to be."I was humiliated. At least everyone else would be dressed up in onecostume or another. That would help a little bit.With that in mind I asked, "Are you two going to get into your outfitsnow?" No, no," my bride said with a dismissive wave. "We'll do that after weget there." Then why did I have to..."Her stern expression told me I wasn't supposed to ask that question. Orany other, I assumed. I lowered my eyes and laced my fingers togetheracross my tummy, trying to appear contrite. They accepted that. Nextthey started to get changed, right in front of me so I was titillated bythe sight of their bodies. Annabeth went into the bag she had carriedin.
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The funeral home had provided a stool for Shania. As the former friends of her mate passed, some murmured words of condolence, while a few others said things like, “You were too good for him,” or other inappropriate comments. One boorish thug had the impudence to suggest he’d replace the deceased in a heartbeat if she wanted. I signaled to the staff who graciously escorted the moron to the door. Occasionally I would catch Shania’s eye. I tried to convey an attitude of confidence and comfort for her. To her credit, Shania managed to maintain her composure. Not a single tear rolled down her cheek. When the viewing had been completed and the doors closed, she looked at me wearily. “You’re doing great, babe,” I told her. “Your Uncle Eric is proud of how well you’re bearing up.” “Can it,” she ordered curtly. As the staff rolled the casket out of the room, Shania grabbed my arm. “This ought to be entertaining,” she said. “A funeral service for a guy who never once expressed a thought.

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