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‘They are medicating her intravenously, antibiotics and painkillers. I told them no machines, and not to resuscitate her if she goes. She is so old, and the pain, anytime they move her she just moans.’ ‘Is she eating anything yet?’ I asked. ‘No, she refuses to eat. I tried to give her soup, but as soon as the spoon touched her lips she flinched. She wouldn’t take a bite. They talked about inserting a feeding tube into her, but I don’t know. I can’t help but think maybe this is a choice.’ ‘What? You mean she is giving up? That’s so unlike her.’ ‘But she’s so far gone now, she just may want to rest. It’s been weeks since she recognized me, I have to wonder what is happening in her mind.’ Wondering if she ever remembered those times in the kitchen I asked my mother, ‘Does she say anything to you anymore, about anything?’ ‘Only about getting away, as if I were a stranger who could free her, or occasionally she’ll mention the nice lady who came last week.’ ‘Meaning you?’ ‘Yeah, I just. I gather my things as quickly and as quietly as possible. I almost makeit when Gwen wakes. I tell him I've got to go home. He understands andfalls right back to sleep. I leave.I see a clock in a bank. The subway doesn't even open for a half hour. Istart walking the mile or so to the other train line so I won't have totransfer. It's a safe walk at night. You go right through the producemarkets and they're going full speed right now. So that's the way I'llwalk.I notice I'm getting a few stares from some of the passing truck drivers.I'm sure they're not used to seeing people out walking down here so earlyin the morning. I keep walking. I pass by three warehouse men sitting atthe end of a loading platform. I hear them talking amongst themselves andlaughing then suddenly they stop. The first one calls out to me, "Heyhoney, rough night?" then laughter.The second one chimes in with, "A working girls night never ends doesit?" more laughs.And finally, not to be outdone by his friends, the.
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