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However, I am not one who sees gender as either/or. I think that we all have a different combination of both male and female characteristics. Some people lean more to one or the other end of the spectrum but just because they perceive themselves that way does not mean that they are incapable of experiencing the other side of the spectrum. Now it seems like my feelings are coming full circle. Don’t ask me what that means exactly, because I don’t really know. I’m still not interested in men the way I used to be, but I dont’ feel the same anger. I can appreciate men who have admirable and positive masculine qualities although that is not generally what attracts me. I am generally more attracted to men who are able to express feminine qualities whether they consider themselves effeminate or not. I think that my center has changed many times since I was younger. Some people think that people always remain the same, but I’ve never experienced myself in that way. I think that I’m very fluid. I was actually afraid to tell her how much I had seen. I was sure there was a lot she intended to never reveal. On the way home from the airport, about a half-hour drive, she asked me, “Did Kayla call you?”She watched me for my reaction to Kayla’s name. “She did,” I told her, “but I had to put her off. I couldn’t do it with you gone.” I didn’t tell her the real reason, that I had to be there to watch the video.“So, how was your trip? Did you actually do it, the stripping?” I asked her.Her face turned a little red and she nodded, “Like I said, I didn’t have any choice. He wouldn’t let me back out.”“But you tried?”“I told him I couldn’t do it, to please take me back to his house, that I didn’t even want to go inside… but like I said, he’s a man that doesn’t take no for an answer.”“And?” I was almost afraid to be pretending to not know. She would find out soon that I had seen everything. But I had to know what she would tell me.She took a deep breath and was watching me, probably afraid.
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