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I had been buying bras for breasts that were bigger, but fleshy. Oncethat was mostly gone, I still had breasts, but for real, somewherebetween an A and B. And, I had an ass so to speak. This suddenly mademe very nervous, because I had something real to conceal. I also had tostart buying new clothes for Tanya too, not just my male body.God was good to me in that right about the same time, I found atherapist who was also a minister in the denomination I had settledinto. The church I went to didn't approve of LGBT in general, butunless they were pressed on the issue, didn't bring it up. Thecounselor helped me in a lot of areas. I was the one that brought upwhat was the biggest question bothering me but thought was too weird toask anyone, even online.I finally brought it up one day. I asked her, "When I die and go toHeaven, will I be a male or female?" I don't think I was doubting thatI was a woman, but there was something that caused me to wonder aboutthat. The counselor helped. We generally try to keep our innermost thoughts to ourselves but I am better at it than he is. Perhaps I simply guard my thoughts more closely or maybe I simply have more I wish to conceal. Whatever the reason, there have been numerous times when I was privy to every thought that passed through Jorgarn's head for an extended period of time. That is why I have faith in him, Rayna. It is why I understand him so well. I know him. I know all of him."Rayna's mouth dropped. She could not count the number of times she had wondered what, exactly, Pernice was thinking."That gives you the upper hand, doesn't it?" Rayna asked.Denae shrugged her shoulders."I'm not sure I need to upper hand with him," she said. "A part of me understands that I should be the one with the power. Another part of me wonders if it might not be best to share my life with him in every sense. He is a good person at heart." So are you," Rayna insisted. "But they can be only one person at the top. He wishes to pull you.
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