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My sadness oft manifests itself as anger, a trait my Mistress has remarked on many times. It was Madeleine who was the butt of my anger. I had taught her, instructed her, and now I was watching her claimed by another. I heard the bell call distantly from my pantry and immediately entered the room. The bed sheet was stained with my protégé’s blood and I knew I had finally been denied that sweet fruit. My anger boiled like the water I had the servants take for their bathing. I could barely bring myself to gaze upon Madeleine and inwardly cursed her for a whore. The following morning the Mistress allowed Madeleine to leave to visit her mother and return the following evening. I was hoping she might miss her curfew that I might be given the opportunity to take my friend, the long, slender cane, to the soft skin of her arse and mark her, sting her and exorcise my ire. Even this was I denied for she returned obediently and promptly. I entered the salon, where most of the house ladies were. I made them up hectically, but theycushioned somewhat my hurt.Outside, the anchor of the dream still resided. One or two things a woulddress myself in, mostly night clothes. Eventually that anchor would bringme buy hormones online, but that would take years. And after experimentingwith an anti-androgen, I would take a serious look into the fact that if Iwasn't sterile from what I had done already, then I would be if I kept it up forlong. I did want to have a child someday.Eventually the girl whom had begun that journey many years ago, that girl inmyself where all my imagination, my heart and soul, where it all resided, cameback. Here she used one trick. Treachery. I imagined a long story, and in itwere four transgendered people. I would need to write what they were goingthrough. But that led me again to self-examination, a good trick. I had nevertotally abandoned the idea that I should be female, I just gave up the hopeof ever being. That hope of being female was put into stories,.
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