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‘Nooo….you’re not going to do that are you, you old fart?’ ‘Yes he is…and he’s going to be very, very, very angry with me for days….aren’t you sugar?’ Driving the car he just stared out the windscreen into the darkness, trying to suppress his anger and his disappointment. It was his own fault. He hadn’t told his family about Suzanne’s problems with alcohol or drugs, wanting to keep them private, but maybe he should have. ‘You’re an old fart…..a big old fart….’ Biting his lip he drove on into the night, speeding along, listening to them laughing and telling him he was boring. And maybe he was. Boring. But he was now experienced at recognising the cycle and spiral that Suzanne was capable of being sucked into and this was only the beginning. The binge cycle would include slurring of her speech, clumsiness and unsteadiness so that she ended up hurting herself, bruises appearing on her body where she fell down. She would have black outs and passing out unable to remember where she had. I sort of half walked towards a shop and then found acompelling reason why I didn't want to go in. It's sometimes very easy torationalise why you don't want to do something difficult even if youreally do. That's what I was doing.I thought I was going home empty handed when I remembered what I'dtold myself and found some courage from somewhere. I headed downinto one of the shops, loud music blaring out into the street and started tolook around, nervously.I didn't want to hang around. I saw a long black skirt that looked goodand grabbed it. With no idea about sizes, I made a complete guess. Ipicked up a white blouse to go with it and now wondered if I could dothe next step, of actually buying it. It didn't seem a foregone conclusion. Ifelt so hot and embarrassed and wanted to be somewhere else.Standing in the queue to pay for it felt like torture. On a busy Saturdayafternoon in Top Shop at Oxford Circus the line went on forever. Theremust have been fifteen people in front of me. I felt.
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