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As such, I had nothing to do, but memorize the Book of Matthew.Matty was my favorite of the disciples. Even though he was a goddamned tax collector, he seemed quirky, and always had―And that's when I caught sight of it ― a card hidden among the others that grabbed my attention. I read the cover:"I saw you in a video on the Internet, while I was playing with myself. You were fucking some girl up the ass. When you pulled your cock out, I thought, 'How the hell could she fit something that big in there?!?' "I stopped. Had I read that correctly?The card in question had a cute drawing on its cover, displaying three pigs, and a penguin waddling up to a geriatric wearing sunglasses.Opening the greeting, I read the punchline:"Ever since then, I wanted to fuck you; and now, here you are!"It was the same profession the Rubenesque redhead made, as she extracted the fuck junky's jean buster from her gullet. "I know you!" the bubbly babe bellowed.Our hero had to think on his feet. Had he met this. .. Solely because she knew it would make him happy."Okay," said Jon. "Okay. But I warn you: it's late, and I'm tired. I'm not going to be able to engage as fully as I might have otherwise."She kissed him on the cheek. "And I'm sure God will take that into account when He smiles down on you."And that was how Jon found himself sitting in a hard wooden pew, crammed in (or so it felt) with about a thousand old ladies in winter wear that smelled alternately like mothballs or cat pee. He and Caitlyn seemed to be the only people there between the ages of 10 and 40, and the church was packed.Still, it was a pretty scene: the dais done up in garlands of evergreen with red bows, a life-size Nativity set in one corner, a Christmas tree in the other that must be almost as tall as the ceiling. Jon thought it nice, but Caitlyn seemed less impressed. "It's so gaudy," she said. "Like, I dunno, 'Look at us, we're faithful' or something. Haven't they heard that deeds speak louder than decorations?" If.
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