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I was making up a foursome with an apology of a man called Dave, Charlotte’s boyfriend.Grace, being all of seven-stone dripping wet, was surprisingly strong, “Hold still, slave!”Thinking better of a night in Accident & Emergency, I relented.The lipstick felt terrible, all sticky. Grace threw a ridiculous and massive black chunky-knit jumper at me, I had a pair of black jeans, and the boots belonged to an ex, a size too big.“Right, now, let’s backcomb your hair. Lottie, the hairspray.”This was too much, “Oh fuck! Come on, guys!”Sitting in the chair, Grace made a fuss over me. I choked on wave after wave of aerosoled humiliation. My soul laid in the pit of my stomach, in a foetal position, and cried about wanting to go home.Holding the mirror, I paused for a moment. Part horrified, part bewildered, I looked at Grace; she had an odd look on her face too. It looked like pride so I gazed at the stranger in the mirror again; I looked a real horror show.“You look great Jack.”“Yeah,. I leaped up and rolled and came to my feet in time to meet the first orc. I fought savagely and hacked and cut and stabbed and shot until I heard the bugle. The orcs turned to flee with the few Sommerland soldiers still alive.Two full companies of cavalry charged while firing rifles and the enemy died before they reached the trees. I slowly knelt and then turned to look at the wounded men that had continued to fire the rifles. Only one was still standing, the rest had died or collapsed. I struggled to my feet and slowly staggered down to help those still alive.That was where the colonel found me. I was covered with blood from my head to my feet. I had managed to wipe my saber clean before putting it away and tucked both empty officer pistols under my belt. The sergeant major swung down as I tried to stand and only fell. He bent to pull me up and I held his shoulder and looked at the colonel, “I tried to stop them sir.”He snorted and then shook his head, “son you did more than any man.
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