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You were really into them the last time I came and I kind of, well, fell in love with them too.’ She wandered to the tank of butterflies and stared. They floated, red, orange, pearly light reflecting on her face. Their mouths opened and closed with the rhythm I had memorized. I leaned forward and pinched her cheeks, forcing her lips into a fish face. ‘Glub glub.’ ‘Fuck off,’ she laughed. That night I dreamed about Ruth. I had just built a bookshelf for my den, and spent most of the evening organizing my books. Steinbeck. Salinger. No, Salinger comes before. Tartt. Hemingway. Some obscure books on Taoism. At first I dreamed about pages. The letters blurred, forming a braille. Braille swirls. Then the designs flew off the pages. When they hit the air, they became suspended, lightly floated in front of my face. I pushed them back with my hand. They caught, and I pushed harder. ‘Blow,’ I heard Ruth whisper and I blew the patterns away, revealing her. She was sitting with her legs. I would call my mom names and I sorta blackmailed her into being my bitch :( I am not proud of how I acted but it is what it is. It wasn't bad 24/7 sometimes if I was getting ready to go out with friends, I'd simply ask her how I looked and made little jokes like “Bet I’m good enough for you huh?” Stuff like that wasn't even being mean my tone was light and we both would laugh and she would call me an idiot :P But if I did something wrong, I knew there would be no punishment cuz I'd tell her and ya... :( I abused her, not physically and not really mentally but verbally and I had no respect for her anymore or myself :(I had started to slowly alienate my friends(though I didn't or care now cuz I kept the very close ones) :P Anyways back to my boy friend. I had treated him like shit and well....here is where everything changed… It was just one of those bad situations, annd I had felt bad how I was treating him so I figured...haha I really do care about him he has been really good to me,.
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