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I could see on her face, even if she could deny it, that she thought I was cheating on her. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t want to cheat on Ruth but I couldn’t stop thinking about Marcia. It’s ridiculous, I know, but what else I could do?I had to find a way to slow down my thoughts about Marcia while trying to end Ruth’s suspicions. However, I couldn’t do one thing either the other. And one night, inside my office, while we were talking about our personal lives.‘Still beats me that a woman like is you still single, Marcia. You are young, beautiful, smart and amazing. All a man could want for a girl”“Let’s say that I spent part of my life not caring about finding someone else for me. But, for me, the only problem is that I am too picky over men”“How picky do you mean?”“I just don’t like any kind of men, just that”“And what kind of men you like? Just curious”“Well, I feel kind of awkward to say in front of you, but… you are the kind of men I would date”“Eh?”“I want to have a man. What I want seems to be a daydream I really never get to have. It drifts in and before it has a chance to form it disappears, elusively slipping between my fingers. I never seem to be able grasp it. It slides away, farther and farther, each time I try to reach for it. And then I wake up only to find I’m still trapped in this nightmare, a nightmare of a life with no joy, no happiness, no love, nothing but sadness for me. Each day I wake up. Each day I wonder. I wonder what it would have been like. To just have, the briefest of moments to be with you. To be a whole person again. To be a real person with a life again. To be what used to be me. I wonder about a life that can never be now. A life that, that by contrast, is so different than what I have now. I can not hope for this to be as I would like it. Doing so would mean not considering you and your situation. So instead I attempt to get through the day as best I can. I muddle through. I struggle to maintain my composure each and.
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