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Arousal arrived, an erection threatening, and I struggled. Rachael really, really attracted me. It was more than the powerful draw of her adolescence. I liked her. I liked this sweet, articulate, smart girl pretending to rebel. I adored her. I couldn’t imagine anything more exciting than an intimate relationship with her, and that desire was an aspect of my sexuality I’d never known I had. So forbidden, it struck a deep chord with me.I looked at my hands and saw age; skin slightly looser than in my youth, scars and calluses from a lifetime of work. I was old. I might not feel it, but I was an old man in the eyes of the world.It was wrong. This wasn’t a complex situation. I was wrong.I opened my mouth to tell her and blurted out instead, “You haven’t thanked me enough for the jacket.”What the fuck?! Where had that come from? Had I lost control of my Goddamned mind?Rachael’s reaction made my chest ache. She gave me a pleased, bashful smile; so damned beautiful. Her eyes twinkled. Then a. But you learned with her that sex wasn’t enough to overcome the other challenges.”I nodded, “Yes. And the thing is, with Jocelyn I’m pretty sure I know what those were. Complete truth, now. With you, I haven’t got the foggiest idea. Something told me it wasn’t right to ask you to marry me when you graduate, but I can’t for the life of me tell you what it is.”“Perhaps it was just physical attraction; a desire to have sex with each other. And because of our faith, we believed we couldn’t do that without getting married.”“Lust?”“Don’t you think so? When you noticed me, at fourteen, you wanted me, didn’t you?”“Yes.”“And I wanted you. And we only knew one solution, because of church. Then you chose to be with Jocelyn, and others. I turned a blind eye because I wanted you so badly. But then I eventually realized I could have what I TRULY wanted from you, if only I hadn’t made you promise. Think about it, Mishka. That promise told you what I wanted back then.”“True. So you never wanted to.
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