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I smirked striking the Adonis pose erupting a laugh from the ladies. “You’re not bad yourself sis” I said taking in Anna’s figure. She was always the exact likeness of my real mother, tall and stacked. She lived on the sunny west coast and it showed. She was tan with short blonde hair and piercing big blue eyes. She was taller than me when I saw her last but in a year of growing I stood over her by almost two inches. She was wearing black jeans that were skin tight and conformed to her long shapely legs. I couldn’t keep my eyes from briefly stopping on the deep cleavage she displayed in a loose fitting tan top that looked like she used it to work out in. “I thought you were working on the boats?” she asked. “Oh yea, I finished, I came in through the back, went upstairs and took a quick shower. I reeked of motor oil” I lied chucking and I could feel Carol’s uneasy expressing directed at me. “So how’s city life?” I said putting on a mock accent“Better than you country dwellers” she. It is Christopher’s death that has finally allowed me to see past your smoke and mirrors. Don’t look like that. I’m not depressed. Relieved. Happy even, if that’s at all possible. Fear of loss is so much harder to bear than the loss itself. I ache each day for him but it is nothing compared to the ache I felt when he was alive. Don’t cry and don’t pretend you too are not a little relieved. Who’s being cruel? You held my boy at arms length, fearful to get too close. He accepted me as I am, as only a child can, and you could not. And always, always you let the fact he was not yours get in the way. We’ve been over it so many times. A silent fuck in an hour of darkness. I wasn’t even there. I won’t regret it. It gave me Christopher. You look so hurt. But I will not give in this time. I will not let you confuse me and love me into another death I can’t bear. You say you love me. Do you? Do you really? When you push and push for a medical answer to a problem I don’t believe I have –.
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