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I stared at the folded paper while I took in a mouthful of Scotch and let it burn its way down to my stomach. I took a second swallow before I pick up the papers off the table and unfolded them.It wasn't what I thought but it wasn't much better. Instead of divorce papers I had been served with a restraining order. The order basically said that I was to have no contact with Carrie. No phone calls, no e-mails, no stopping by her office or the house and I was not to come within fifty feet of her.Once I got over the relief that they weren't divorce papers I felt my anger grow. How dare she take out a restraining order against me? I was no threat to her. She knew that I would never hurt her. My first impulse was to reach for the phone and call her. I wanted to tell her what I thought of her restraining order but then it hit me. If I called her I would be violating the order. For the next two hours I sat in anger as I tried to figure out how to handle the order. In the end I realized that. "She said quietly, "Yes." She stroked my shoulder. "You spent all day on existentialism?"I shook my head no."What else, then?" Went to a book store." And?" Looked through a dozen books." On what?" ... Growing up. Parent-child. Parent-teacher." Oh, my. Steven, what's all that about? Why are you -- ?" She stopped. She said softly, "Oh. I see."I glanced up at her.She was smiling gently. She said again, "I see."I moved closer to her and laid my face between her breasts. Her nipples stood out against the thin fabric. I asked her, "Do you still see me as Speedy?" Sometimes."I was quiet.She said, "There will always be that Speedy in you, hon. And I'm glad it will be. I hope it never goes away."I said, "But I'm not Speedy any more."She whispered, "I know."I didn't say anything. I thought. I thought and thought.She said, "Do you still see me as Martha Jane? Martha Jane of 246-D Exchange Street, in the Lauderdale Courts?"I thought about that, too. I said, "Sometimes. I guess." But I'm Martha.
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