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She didn't like lingerie because it "degraded her" or because she "looked fat in it." Blowjobs became once or twice a year because she didn't like doing them and because she thought it was demeaning to be on her knees. The woman who used to go down on me in a bar bathroom now acted like it was demeaning to give me a blowjob. I don't want to hear about the reciprocal, either. I went down on her all the time. I would every time if she wanted.So, here I was in my early 40s, the time when I always heard that women were insatiable, and my wife rarely initiated sex and often turned me down. On nights I was really horny, I gave up even trying. It was easier to let her go to bed while I watched a movie or a sporting event and then masturbate. It became pretty much the norm during the week. She went to bed early, I took care of myself.Like a lot of guys, I started into erotic pictures and porn on the internet. I know what they say, porn is addicting, etc., but I like sex. I need sex. More. In the hall she found herself walking, bathed in the soft light of the moon bathing the living room with its silver. That room was still, the sight of the opened hide-a-bed somehow seemed erotic. Like a man’s sex, unrolled and grown out of its nest? The opened drapes allowed the moon’s light to fill the room with soft luster but cast mysterious shadows, mysteries holding joys unknown. Duncan lay quietly on the hide-a-bed in a shaft of moonlight. Standing looking down at him she felt warmth for him sliding through her again. He looked so strong, so masculine, so good there on her couch. What her ambivalence must be doing to him! She felt how inadequate she was! The man she had loved, who she had given herself to unconditionally, had found her less than adequate. All the signs pointed to his abandoning her. Helen had always been confident in her sexuality. She had always been sure, confident in her beauty, strong in being a woman. Now she felt empty, wondering if she was adequate. .
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