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And no matter how I tried ... I couldn’t stop. I didn’t want to stop. I didn’t realize the trap I had entered. A trap that ensnared me with my own desires which made it impossible to resist or break out of. Had he known that I was having a sudden and secret yearning for physical contact while we were in the car on the way to his place. Was he able to sense something I could not and move to ignite something within me that I didn’t understand? Was that his plan, to seduce me? Make me think that I was in control of his body, of the sexual circumstances by feigning submission. Was I really the one in control at this point, or did he skillfully lure me in to submitting to feelings I was afraid to explore?“I don’t care!” I thought. If in fact it were true that he was directing everything that was happening right now, then that just turned me on even more. To know that I was powerless to stop him, that he made me submit to something I was so against ... but was now in fact, loving very. She had wondered, ‘Is it my fault,’ and befriended Jan hoping to learn the secret of their happy marriage. Sadly, she discovered there was no magic secret. Sherry blankly stared out the window, and descended into the dark hole of insecurity that living with Bob had dug. ‘Seven years alone is a long time. Can I keep Sam interested? Will he ever love me the way he loved Jan? The way I love him?’ To lessen the anxiety, Sherry walked to her desk, retrieved the ‘Sam’ notebook, and opened it to the dog-eared page entitled ‘Intimacy’. Jan had written the most personal details of their physical couplings and opened Sherry’s eyes to a joining of bodies and souls previously unknown. After the first read, a voyeuristic shame had filled her, like she’d watched them through the bedroom window. The adult videos Bob had made her watch were anonymous acts of lust that disgusted her. This journal, although specific in description, did not disgust. It excited. She knew these people. This was real.
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