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She wouldn't turn my desires into a prank.“Just...a prank,” I said. “Like I thought. I bet Marissa or Kelly sent it. They know I'm here almost every day.”“But in the bathroom?” Lana frowned.“They got lucky?” I guessed, holding the letter to my chest.“Well, can I see it?” she asked.“No!” I gasped.She snatched it out of my hands, the paper partially ripping. Her eyes widened as she read it. “Ooh, who's this older lover you have a crush on. Is it Marrissa's dad? God, he's such a hunk. I'd let him give me a mustache ride.”“Yeah,” I lied, my cheeks flushing. Marrissa's dad kind of looked like Tom Selleck, complete with the thick mustache. “That's it.”“That's who you were masturbating to?” Lana asked. “You should really spray the Febreze after you finish. You must have been sooooo wet.”“Oh, god,” I groaned, cheeks flushing.“The rest of this is weird,” Lana said. “Do you think they're coming over tonight?”“I don't know,” I said, trembling. I had no idea what to make about the letter. Who was. He used to bang them two at a time. He called it his ‘Second Coming’, which was pretty damn funny if you think about it. He kept turning all the water into wine, which was cool because I couldn’t really afford a lotta alcohol back in those days. But then again, wine is like a chick drink. It woulda been much better if he coulda turned it into like beer or something, but when I asked him about that he got all mystical and shit and gave me a line of bull about it being God’s will and all that. I come to find out later that he’d been turning water into beer, but keeping it secret because he wanted it all for himself. He was making that crappy European beer anyway, so I didn’t really give a shit or nothing, but it was pretty uncool for him not to share. He was also turning lawn clippings into killer bud, but he wouldn’t share that with me either, not even when Joey got clipped by the feds and my supply line ran dry. That’s when I first figured that Jesus was kinda an asshole. Back when.
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