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She placed her hands on my face and kissed me deeply. "Don't tempt me, mylove. Have you seen what we are standing in the middle of?" I lookedaround at the devastation I had created. A dozen bodies bleeding out allaround us. I leaned in and nuzzled her neck, feeling completely gratefulto have been given this chance to live a life from another gender'sperspective. I had already fallen into the role of wanting to beprotected and desiring to be cuddled. As a man, I was not given thechoice. It was expected of me to be the provider and protector. Yearsfulfilling that role, not allowing myself to feel vulnerable, had worn onme. I nodded my acceptance and turned to collect our things. Maevenreached and grabbed my hand before I could go too far. She pulled me toher once again and kissed me. "Don't ever think I do not want to be withyou, now, or always. I want to touch you and to be at your side, even nowas we do what we have to do." Her words warmed my heart.We quickly gathered knives, swords,. I was very compliant.I would spread my legs for anyone as long as he lookedreasonably clean and non threatening. My favoritehangouts were the student bars near the university. College students have the stamina to go a couple ofrounds with a sex starved “older” woman. They caressedmy legs, sucked my cunt, nibbled my nipples, and fuckedme until I couldn’t stand. But then they had to go backto the dorm and attend classes.My psychotherapist suggested aversive therapy. Basicallythe idea was for me to excite myself sexually and thentrigger off an unpleasant stimulus. Something that hurt.After a while I would begin to associate sex with pain.In the lab she said they flashed pictures of anattractive person on a screen and paired it with anelectric shock. I would have to find an equallyunpleasant stimulus to give to myself when I started tomasturbate. But what?I made a detailed inventory of the things I did to mybody when I satisfied myself. The first thing I usuallydid was.
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