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Convert? How very Tony Blair. The priest’s lilting North West brogue breaks into my meandering thoughts with a tiny squeak of microphone feedback, and the show is officially rolling. ‘We gather here today to celebrate the life of Agnes McCormac, who has now returned to her home with Our God, The Father.’ A panicked assessment of neighbouring faces confirms it’s my error, and not that of the priest confidently holding court up ahead. ‘Shite.’ It’s slipped out, in barely a whisper between my gritted teeth, but the whole front row of genuine chief mourners turn, shocked eyebrows raised in my direction. ‘Sorry. So sorry, it’s just shi… shocking, still shocking. Poor Agnes. Sorry…’ I indicate the end of my hushed apology with an ‘I’m done now, dramatic emotional scene over, as you were.’ raised palm. Mortified, I close my eyes like it’s all too much. I want to keep them closed forever, or at least until the communion wafers have been doled out, final hymn sung and Agnes bloody McCormac. Right size. I picked it up. Neck was still warm from my hand. I looked back at her pussy. Very wet. Should I?Now you have to understand that Ashley, though a latter-day hippie and liberal in most ways, had not had sex until she was nineteen, and had lost her virginity to me merely a month before. I mean, she loved sex, but was still at that stage where what seemed old hat to me might seem quite kinky to her.Even so, with a soft dick and a hard bottle, I threw caution to the wind, climbed up onto her in a faux missionary position, pressed my flaccid penis against her pubes, and, reaching back around my buns to hold the bottle between my legs, carefully inserted the bottle neck into her dripping wet gash to work it in and out in time to my rocking hips like it was my cock. In less than five minutes of that action, she came big time.I surreptitiously placed the bottle on the little side table next to the candle as I kissed her lips and neck.She reached over and fired up the half doobie.
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