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She didn't stop there. "We've still got major hurdles to leap beforeyou're really ready," she said. "The first is ... well, you just don'tcum right. You're a girlfriend now, you cumming needs to be directlyrelated to you getting fucked. Or making love -- you ought to think ofit that way. You make love to Jeff, you don't fuck him. He may fuck you-- he does fuck you. He may never see you as anything -- ever -- morethan a place for his cock to go when it's hard. but you make love tohim, every single time, you put your whole heart and your whole soulinto it, don't you. You want to make love to Jeff, don't you? Say it." I want to make love to Jeff." I said it robotically, and she gave me alook that said. to do better, so I said it more affectionately, almostsincerely, and she nodded her head and said better."But anyway, since you make love that way, you need to learn to cum thatway. Or, better, you need to learn that you only cum that way. You onlycum by getting fucked, oops, excuse me.. I also went home every night to an empty house. I didn’t even have a dog. A dog would be nice. Conversations with paddle boarding friends or guys from the martial arts school were all focused on a single, superficial aspect of life. Phone calls and text messages with Amanda were a nice change but it’s not the same as waking up next to someone you love every morning. I knew that would be nice and that possibility had seemed very real with Elsa but then, poof, it was gone. Janice had invited me to Thanksgiving dinner and I’d turned her down, like I turned down every other invitation. Was she just being nice or was there something more? All of our previous conversations made it seem like she had an interest and that it was growing. For someone pretty in-tune with others, I wondered how I had missed that. Or maybe I hadn’t missed it but wasn’t ready to welcome it. I really didn’t want to blow it and miss an opportunity but I didn’t want the disappointment that a failed relationship would.
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