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Reach up further to run my hands up your back to your shoulders. Close my eyes. Kiss you."What?" you ask. I've been staring again haven't I. Damn my brain! I blame you, you're teasing me now with your words, putting ideas in my mind. Must be good. Must not touch. Argh!Walking back to the car we nudge, playfully trying to push each other into lamp-posts, bollards. OK it's an excuse, on my part at least, I just want to touch you. This may kill me by the end of the day, why do I say such silly things?In the car I drive, you rest your hand on my leg, teasing me, I make you take it back. Rules are rules. As soon as I do I kick myself, mentally obviously, what the hell am I thinking? You want to touch me, I want to touch you, we break every other bloody rule we set, why not this one as well?Because you warned me this would happen of course. That you'd want to 'indulge' me, and then you'd feel bad. And then I'd feel bad. And I don't want to spoil the good memories I have of this by bringing. Not without her permission, which I was pretty sure I'd never get. But I could do something. I could dull the edges for her. For all of them.I sat down against the wall opposite Lilly's door and closed my eyes. I conjured up the most loving things I'd ever had in my life; memories of Carlie and my mother; the way they'd made me feel safe and secure and strong.Then I started broadcasting. I kept sending those feelings of love and understanding out in gentle waves. I stopped listening to the sounds around me, stopped thinking of anything other than those two emotions. Sending those feelings as far and as strongly for as long as I could, that was all that mattered.I don't know how long I sat there. Could have been hours, could have been a few minutes.I felt a hand on the side of my face, gently stroking my cheek and whiskers. I'd decided that since the Army was going to get rid of me I no longer had to shave and get weekly hair cuts.I opened my eyes, still sending for all I was worth..
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