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This wasn't difficult for me to do, I had done it many nights at the orphanage. It was simply a matter of willing myself to be alone. Inside this place, I could be calm, because I was safe there. I could think about how I should adjust things to accept losing Brenda. I was breaking connection to her, releasing all the emotional strands that tied the two of us together. I should have known better than to allow myself to love someone. It was sometime before I realized that the connections I had to Brenda weren't all dissolving and going away. Always before, withdrawing like this had worked for me. Maybe not completely, but enough that I could get away from any emotional ties that I'd formed. There had been a sense of comfort from being able to do that. Now that it was failing me, I became agitated and distressed. I felt myself slipping back out from the calm area I had created all around me. I redoubled my efforts, but it was no use. In the end, I was just some boy sitting in a dark. "It took an hour for Ellen to pack up her things and get it all loaded into my car. Theresa was in her arms most of that time. I did the carrying and the storing of Ellen's things, but we somehow made it home before Theresa needed changing again. I think we held on to Theresa for almost a week before her mother was turned loose. We got two little boys, brothers, the next time. There have been so many over the years, that most of their names have faded from my memory. Not Ellen's though, she remembers them all, and has photos of them too. On the back of the pictures she would write the date that we got them and the date that they left, their birth dates and how tall they were, with lots of little comments and notations about each one. For years, when she was having her monthlies, she'd get out one of her big picture albums and sit there looking at page after page of pictures of 'her' children. I'm not sure whether it helped her or it hurt her, probably some of each. Over the years,.
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