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I wonder if I could practice somehow. Maybe go out to bars and see what it felt like to 'be myself', I guess.Ugh.Not long after I found out about masturbation, and then the internet, I discovered stories describing BDSM relationships, and it resonated somewhere deep inside of me. I wanted to be a dominant. I wanted control. But that inequality was so alien to how I was raised that I felt tremendous guilt about it and never told a soul about my desires. The guilt, however great, never stopped me from fantasizing. If I was going to turn over a new leaf, and try to be open and truly honest with my potential partners, I needed to acknowledge this part of me. Let it out, and learn how to engage it.Suddenly I realized what was so terrifying about being myself. I was petrified about letting the dominant part of me out. What if they thought I was sick. What if they laughed. Worst of all, what if I hurt somebody? Jesus. That would destroy me.But I was stuck on the horns of a dilemma. I. It was wonderful. The girls also made good on their promise to give Megan and I two days a week. I didn't know if Victoria knew the reason for that or not; that Megan had been married to me in a previous cycle. I had no plans to tell her.As we got closer to the targeted Saturday, we all got more affectionate and desperate in our relationships with each other. We all cried a lot. We just loved each other so much; we just couldn't imagine anything different. I could feel the anger coming out too. I didn't know whom we would find when we went to save Cindi Saturday, but whoever it was, they were going to wish they had never been born.Friday night, we went to bed early, planning on starting out at 2:00 AM. The girls all agreed that Victoria and I would spend the night together. I knew, from what Megan had told, me that it was possible that I would not be married to Victoria if we cycled again. I wanted every last bit of time I could get from her. We spent the night alternating between.
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